It's a...

I have the most wonderful, funniest, spirited little boy a proud momma could ask for. He is my everything and my world. When we decided to complete our family with another child, I immediately got excited (and a little tired) and wondered who this new person might be and how he/she will fit into the dynamics of our family. I wondered how I would manage two under two. And, just like the first time, we were blessed with a pregnancy as soon as he looked at me and lifted his eyebrow. Fertile bunch I suppose. I am incredibly thankful as I know for many of my friends it has not been so easy. And to be pregnant while still breastfeeding is an added challenge. Don’t underestimate how thankful I am. It was an added gift to get a positive pregnancy test on the morning of my first day back to work after my year long maternity leave.

Dood and I started to wonder right away if this one might be a little girl. We have a boy, maybe this one will be a girl. His opposite and partner. His buddy. We had a name picked out and referred to the bump by that name. On June 13 we went for our first ultrasound about mid-way through the pregnancy. I told the tech I didn’t want to know the gender but my husband did so don’t say it out loud. She told me when she was going to look and I closed my eyes. They exchanged silent words and that was that.

We no longer referred to the baby with the girls name, just in case.

Fast forward two weeks when we did the Color Me Rad 5k. I had told Dood that I wanted him to “tell” me there. So we wore all white and, armed with our pink and blue color blasters, we waited patiently in line to get our before photos done where he would blast me with the corresponding color of the baby’s gender.  Now, I have to hand it to him, Dood is amazingly skilled at keeping secrets. Many people tried to get him to tell the gender only to be shut down. I painstakingly tried to avoid searching his face and voice for any clue as he kept redirecting conversations but that was tough. Part of me wanted to know but I am happy that I waited for this moment.

Here we are in line to have the photos taken. I tell the photographer my master plan and how I am using this as a gender reveal photo shoot. I’m nervous and excited. Here is my little family about to learn if we will be the parents of two boys or if we will be that 'million dollar' family with one of each. If it’s a boy will I be satisfied or will I want to ‘try’ for a girl. At what point do you stop? No, whatever the outcome, this will be the youngest child. Two and we’re through.

Ok, here goes! I close my eyes and take a deep breath. The feel of the colored cornstarch coating my body feels strange. Freeing. Liberating. No more waiting. When I open my eyes I will know the truth. Will it be a boy or girl? How will I feel about it? What if I am disappointed? What if what if what if. For goodness sakes already - open your freakin’ eyes and take a look!

I open my eyes to see the color.

It’s a…

A letter to my pregnant self

Dear Self,
I know you have seen a lot of these types of letters to a younger self imparting wisdom and whatnot. Well, you get your own personal letter.
You're thinking that you have a pretty good idea how to care for an infant and what it is going to be like. You're so wrong. Take heed. I also know that you have baby brain so I'm going to spell it out for you.

1. Stop saying "any day" after you hit 37 weeks. You still have a month to go and it will feel like 9 if you keep saying "any day."

2. Labor isn't scary or extremely painful. Remember when you broke your leg and walked on it for a week? Yeah, that was worse.

3. Your baby will weigh 9 lbs so lay off the brownies and you might get a baby that is slightly smaller and easier to squeeze out your who-ha.

4. It's a boy. Sorry to ruin the surprise but you sorta knew all along.

5. Your sweet baby boy will not sleep. You will sleep even less. I'm talking minutes per night, not hours.

6. Breastfeeding is hard but you will stick it out and it will get better.

7. Day 3 is the hardest. But so is day 4, day 5, day 6... you get the idea.

8. You will feel like you are losing your mind on many occassions but believe me, it gets a little easier the more you get to know him and what he wants.

9. Start reading "The Wonder Weeks" now so you are prepared for that first leap.

10. Hire a post-partum doula now. No excuses.

11. When you stand up for the first time after giving birth it will feel like there is too much room for all your organs in your body. No, they don't fall out of you even though it will feel like it.

12. Hydrate! All. The. Time.

13. Hemeroids suck.

14. Prepare more freezer meals. You burn through the ones you did pretty quickly.

15. If it bothers you so much that the dishes are piling up and you can't do them yourself, stop looking at them. They will get done eventually.

16. Someone will tell you that your baby is spirted. Sounds cool, right? Yeah, I'm sure it's a cool personality trait but it makes your job a hell of a lot harder. Please read this: The Fussy Baby Site. They tell it like it is and make no apologies. You will see your own thoughts and emotions written in various places on this site and it will make you feel better. It will reassure you that you are not a bad mom. And you're not. Believe me.

17. Nothing beats that first moment when K is placed in your arms at the end of your labor. It feels like the planets aligned and the sun shone brighter and the birds sang sweeter songs. It is the single most life altering experience you will ever have. Drink it in. It is beautiful and lovely. Then remember that moment when you lose your hearing in one ear after your baby screams for five hours and nothing comforts him. Zen.

Being a mother is tough work but you're doing a good job. You're trying everything and you are not giving up. Everyone will tell you that it gets easier and better. I'll let you know when that starts to become true.